December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)
Trust. My word for this year is trust. It has become so clear to me in the past few months that trust was something that I had lost in friendships, relationships, and in myself, and that I had to work on regaining trust in myself first so that I could figure out how to trust anyone or anything else.
One way I figured a lot of this out was going on a trip where there were so many unknowns – places to stay, how to get from one destination to the next, having enough money, being in a strange city, etc. I had to trust that I could figure things out on the fly which might also mean trusting strangers or new friends – a leap of faith in a lot of senses.
Another thing that has stuck out in my mind was also reading about Rob Brezsny’s ideas about pronoia – the idea that people and the universe aren’t out to get you, but out to help you – the opposite of paranoia. This turned into a constant conversation with a close friend whose mother is most likely suffering from some kind of unhealthy extreme of paranoia. In my negating and supporting my friend in dealing with his mother’s paranoia, I was also negating my own. I have a tendency to be a worrywart with sometimes enough anxiety to need medication. Most of the dreams that I remember aren’t nightmarish, but definitely have a running theme of anxiety – missed connections, out of control cars, being at a final exam and not having been to class. When I heard about this idea of pronoia, I made a conscious decision not to go to bed worrying about everything (which often kept me from falling asleep), but to instead read some positive books or at least read for entertainment and think about all the good things that had recently happened or things to come whether they were events that I was looking forward to or even dreams and goals coming to fruition. I just realized yesterday that since I’ve instituted this practice in the last several months, I can’t remember any anxiety dreams I’ve had, and I know I’ve been having neutral to positive dreams.
Most recently, I’m learning to trust other people more than I have in a long time or maybe ever. It’s been very freeing for me and has helped erase many insecurities I have about myself. I have had a very hard time trusting men in a romantic relationship since an over two year relationship ended in me having to obtain a restraining order on my boyfriend. He even at one point asked me to marry him. Thank goodness we never got married. I found out that I had been lied to for months on end, and I don’t even like to think about what I didn’t know. The whole thing made me distrustful of men but worst of all, not trust my own judgment in people. It still to this day three years later is difficult not to blame myself. I’ve always had an image of myself of as a strong, kick-ass feminist woman, and I hung on to this abusive relationship because I thought I was deeply in love with this man. It proved to me that it really can happen to anyone – class, education, race – doesn’t matter. I came from a nuclear two-parent loving family as did he. Now all I can do is work on changing my own self and environment so that someone like that does not end up in my life again.
And now I’m trying something new – seeing what it’s like to be in an open dating relationship. A couple of flaws in myself that I’ve always wanted to eliminate are how jealous and possessive I can get over lovers, friends, family, and sometimes even things. At the moment I’ve decided to continue seeing someone whom I knew from the beginning did not want to date monogamously. He has done nothing but cultivate conditions in our relationship for open communication and trust. Through this relationship, I’ve been able to step back and look at what my insecurities are and where they come from. And in that, while they are still difficult to deal with, I’ve realized that while I might not be able to change my emotions, I can change my reaction to them.
I’m lucky to have found that the universe has conspired for me to meet a man that in so many ways is the opposite of my ex-boyfriend. The gift here is that I am finding that there is no reason that I should expect any less from anyone else, especially from someone that I am dating. I couldn’t trust someone that I was deeply in love with before, and now I trust someone that I’m beginning to love as an amazing friend.
Next year at this time, I would like my word to be pleasure. I’ve had so many things in my life that have tried to rob me of experiencing pleasure, and I want to recognize in each moment whatever pleasures I’m experiencing whether it’s relaxing in my apartment or the adrenaline rush of riding my motorcycle. Most of all, I want to erase the association of the word guilty from pleasure because if I am feeling any guilt, I am not truly and wholly experiencing that pleasure. Feeling that guilt is another theft from the experience. And so 2011 will be about pleasure to its fullest.
ripplesnpebbles 